


Jane and Dirk Have Pronkems

by Dabethan



Series: Dabethan Cinematic Universe [7]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Earth C (Homestuck), Epilogues typical content, Not Canon Compliant, Tws will be added for different chapters, including humor violence and dark themes, there's a lot of characters who appear in this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:09:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25252156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dabethan/pseuds/Dabethan
Summary: Nearly a year post the 2019 Earth C presidential election sees Jane and Dirk being somewhat ostracized by the rest of the Creators community. Jane aims to fix that.
Relationships: Dave Strider & Dirk Strider, Jane Crocker & Dirk Strider, Jane Crocker/Jasprosesprite, More ??? I guess ??? Come to that when we get there
Series: Dabethan Cinematic Universe [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1587559
Comments: 6
Kudos: 12





	1. Jane Starts a Bullshit Fake Club

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone.
> 
> CW*:
> 
> Joke with incestual implications, at the beginning (mocking Dave's Freudian slips)
> 
> *This should all be Epilogues typical humor and content. Next chapter will have a much bigger warning.

The past few months have been an almost surreal experience. The world is falling apart around their ears, and yet Jane and Dirk's families have managed to preoccupy themselves with nonsensical bullshit that takes up far too much time.

It would be safe to say that their attitudes on the matter are what resulted in their lack of invites to these events, as of late.

It started with the tea parties. Jane had insisted on appearing at their friend's parties and frivolous activities in order to ignore the growing tension between them politically, but as time with on the more uncomfortable their relatives appeared, until Dave accidentally let slip that the tea parties had been moved to the second of every month and Rose hadn't just forgotten the past 3.

Then came the lack of Pesters. Jake hasn't opened Pesterchum in nearly a year, Roxy and Calliope have to be contacted first, and Kanaya now claims that Rose is "busy" whenever Dirk engages in conversation. The others never talked to them in the first place.

The only person who continues to have contact is Dave, bless his dumb ass, who seems to simultaneously want to avoid conversations about politics and his friends while also pretending nothing is wrong and Dirk and his "weird xenophobe friend who he insists on kicking it with" are included and up to date on all the hot goss.

Naturally Jane Crocker starts to wonder: why are their friends avoiding them so much? She had concluded quite some time ago that it is the fault of both her actions as well as Dirk's from when they ran for presidential office, however she had intended for their participation in their friend's ridiculous goof-offs to help with their public image and get them back in everyone's good graces.

Clearly, this has not been the case.

They are doing something wrong. They need to work harder, better, faster, and stronger to get their friends to see that they've changed their views and behavior from nearly a year ago. Dirk and Jane need to have a redemption arc.

JANE: How does one get "redeemed."  
DIRK: Hypothetically?  
DIRK: First, they would have to acknowledge that they have a problem, and then take steps to change their ways and fix the problem.  
JANE: Why don't we do that then?  
DIRK: We'd have to acknowledge that we have a problem. Or several.  
JANE: Oh, hush up, you!

Jane dramatically throws herself backwards onto her childhood bed in her childhood room, her frilly nightgown looking incredibly out of place with the simplicity of her father's aesthetic. From the floor, Dirk stares at her without flinching.

It's morning, very early morning, and he had arrived entirely at Jane's command. He needed to get out of the house anyway; it's been about 72 hours since he's slept, and he needs to stay awake or else he might be late for his new job.

JANE: But really, I am so sick of us being the butt of everyone's jokes!  
DIRK: Yeah it's really fucking old honestly.  
DIRK: Can't walk outside with my robe and bunny slippers on and a cup of coffee in hand to read the _Morning Fuckup_ without being bombarded with a bunch of dickweeds sayin' "good morning, Mister Chad."  
JANE: And that's why I think we should be "redeeming" ourselves! I mean, Vriska can do it.  
JANE: Maybe we should consult with Vriska…  
DIRK: What? No. Vriska isn't "redeemed," she's just fucking June and Terezi. That's not redemption, that's tolerating the bitch that the president is having a very open and celebrated affair with.  
JANE: Well I can't think of anyone else we know that would know how to get redeemed.

Images of a purple troll repenting in the middle of a candy strewn picnic roam through Dirk's head, and he shudders.

DIRK: Yep, that's the only one. Just Vriska. No one else has been redeemed and they never will be.  
DIRK: Hey, I actually am going to be late to work, so we gotta do a raincheck on the rest of this…  
JANE: Meeting.  
DIRK: Is it, though?  
JANE: Yes!  
JANE: This is now The Dirk and Jane Get a Redemption Club, Dirk! Don't forget it!  
DIRK: Ok, I'll pretend I take this seriously for like, a minute maybe. But I really do have to go to work, it's my first day and I need to be reliable for the only dude I have ever been able to actually rely on.  
DIRK: God, I feel like some teenage tool getting hyped to go makeout with his crush for the first time.  
JANE: That's a very weird sentiment to have about a job that basically consists of you doing whatever Dave tells you to.  
DIRK: Oh Jane, inappropriate sentiments is just how I honor my brotherson and his debilitating "can only say awkward bullshit" disease.  
DIRK: I really do have to leave now; it's all the way in fucking Troll Kingdom.  
JANE: Ok Dirk!! Love you, you dumb baby!! :B

Jane gives him a squishy hug, and he takes it like a champ who hates being touched without someone warning him that he's going to be engaging in physical contact first. He awkwardly pats her back.

Dave is making a movie. Dirk doesn't know what the movie is about, but he also doesn't particularly care, because any movie of Dave's is sure to be fantastic. And maybe a little shitty. But mostly fantastic.

Since quitting his job and effectively ending _Rumble In Da Pumpkin Patch_ 's run on planetary television, Dirk hasn't had a lot to actually do. This is further exacerbated by Jake no longer talking to him, making Dirk realize just how much he relied on his ex's companionship to keep him from boredom. It turns out Dave is extremely uninterested in robot fighting, to the point of failing to hide some sort of panic response whenever he asks him, and Jane is neither good at it nor convinced that it's a worthwhile pastime.

It's hard being an immortal creator of the universe who alienates all his friends. It's hard, and nobody understands.

The studio is the same as the one that originally filmed _Rumble In Da Pumpkin Patch_ , and Dave's project currently gets a small section of the main building. Today is the first day, where Dave reportedly will give everyone some vague marching orders, and the cast does a read through of the script in front of everybody.

Dirk doesn't really know what his job in this production actually is yet, but he would be fine being the coffee bitch. He just wants to be there. It's borderline a dream come true.

The studio lot is crowded with people from other shows and movies, some having just gotten to work, and others having been out all night filming and editing.

He flies with a purpose to Dave's area, where he finds him talking very quickly with a rust blood Troll girl he barely recognizes. Beside her is a copy of herself, holding a camera. Sans-camera Troll waves at him with a smile, and Dave whips around to face his brother.

DAVE: oh man uh hey bro  
DAVE: dirk  
DAVE: my main man  
DIRK: Dave. Reporting for duty, "Captain."  
DAVE: yeah about that  
DAVE: radia hold up ill be in my  
DAVE: sigh  
DAVE: trailer  
ARADIA: sure thing!

Dave grabs him by the arm, pulling him into an office room that is absolutely not a trailer. Another version of "Radia" is setting up a camera in the bookshelf across from his desk, but Dave ignores her and addresses Dirk immediately upon shutting the door.

DAVE: i want to break this as gently as possible and oh my god dirk i am so sorry but  
DAVE: youre fired  
DIRK: What?  
DIRK: Why the fuck-  
DIRK: I haven't even started yet and I'm _early!_  
DAVE: yeah i know but im in a bit of a pickle dude  
DAVE: the pickles so salty its shriveled up and died leaving my poor body to absorb whats left and man it is not pretty that shits so fucking grimy  
DAVE: but the fact of the matter is were trying to shoot a movie and jake said he wasnt going to star if youre working crew  
DIRK: What the fuck? I haven't talked to that guy in like 6 months or some shit.  
DIRK: Where is he? I can talk to him, we probably just need to work something out.  
DAVE: oh god no ok so jake  
DAVE: no ones really sure whats up with him ok but hes being really fucky and was really adamant that he can't work with you  
DIRK: That doesn't sound like Jake. Look, I'll just talk to him and we can work from there. It was probably a misunderstanding.  
DAVE: no he was really a huge bitch about it but i also doubt hell talk to you right now anyway  
DAVE: man im sorry but i need jake to be in this movie  
DAVE: i know youre like my biggest fan but this shits important we need a lead hot dude and you just dont get lead hot dudes besides jake hes sort of like as lead hot dude as you can get  
DIRK: …  
DIRK: Right.  
DAVE: hey well talk later ok  
DAVE: i can come by and we can watch whatever you want just two bros sitting on a couch watching some sort of dumbass crap i made as a way cooler bilf  
DIRK: I guess.  
DAVE: cool  
DAVE: dude i really am sorry ill call you about any further developments  
DIRK: It's fine.  
DAVE: its fine  
DIRK: It's fine.  
DAVE: its fine  
DIRK: It's fine.  
DAVE: ok talk to you like tonight or tomorrow or whenever bro  
DIRK: Later, Bro.

Jane has recently taken a break from her job. She claims she deserves the vacation time, since she's had a rough several months, but really being accused of being a fascist dictator who runs an evil corporation that's set out to finish what her great grandmother started has really put a damper on her work ethic. It's hard to show up to work and face all her Troll and Consort employee's sad and angry expressions, their complaints of unequal pay and long hours, and all the talk of unionizing and labor practice reform June's camp keeps trying to push.

Yes, being Jane Crocker has been hard these days, leaving her to mope around her father's house and figure out what she should do with her ti-

JASPROSESPRITE^2: Sometimes, I suspect that you don't even know you're own fucking potential.  
JANE: Uh???  
JANE: What are you doing in my house???  
JANE: Who ARE you?????

The wide eyed grin of a demented catgirl!Rose slides into the Crocker's living room through an opened window that Jane was sure _she_ locked, and Jane ensured her specibus was within reach. She suddenly wishes she had chosen a nightgown that was less risqué.

JASPROSESPRITE^2: Jasprose? The cat sprite made up of Rose Lalonde and her dear, sweet, precious dead cat Jaspers? :3  
JANE: Oh, what the fuck.  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: I get that a lot!  
JANE: Back to my initial question, please:  
JANE: What the FUCK are you doing in my house???  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Well, I heard a rumor that you're looking to get redeemed.

Jane stands up straighter, suddenly wondering if maybe she should have been more hospitable after all.

JANE: Um, yes? Yes, Dirk and I are intending to be redeemed so our friends won't be so hostile to us as of late.  
JANE: You said I have "potential," is that related to redemption?  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Huh? No, I just think you're hot.  
JANE: What???  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: What.  
JANE: That's- no! Absolutely not! Get out of my house!!!  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: You don't even want my redemption advice?  
JANE: …  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: I thought so!  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: See Jane, I happen to have a little bit of seer powers. Just a teensy bit! I have seen some of what you do in other timelines, and unlike the other Rose, who is very uninterested in helping you on account of you being a terrible bitch to her wife and most of her friends, I have no real reason to not help you.  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Or maybe it's also because I am a sprite, and thus I desperately feel the need to help current and former game players better themselves? Putting a pin in that one.  
JANE: Could you please hurry this up?  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Ok!  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Go to therapy.

Jane exasperatedly throws her hands into the air.

JANE: Oh for fucks sake! Get out.  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: I'm being serious here!  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: I think in order to truly understand yourself and how to get better, you should see a therapist who can advise you in becoming a better person. They're practically redemption experts!  
JANE: ...Hm.  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: See? You're thinking about it~  
JANE: I'll consider it! Mostly I think it's a good idea for Dirk. Something's been off about him since before June was even elected, and I want to know what it is.  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: How perceptive of you!  
JANE: Wait, do you know something?  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Me? Know something! Never! ;3  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: But furreal he's going to be ok. It's really best for you to stick with him like you do!  
JANE: O…kay…

Jasprose bolts upwards, her ears at attention.

JASPROSESPRITE^2: !!!  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Shit, that's him now!  
JANE: Who?? Dirk???  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Yeah, and now I gotta get the fuck out of here. Think about what I said, Crocker!  
JANE: Ok???

She scrambles back out of the window, leaving a baffled Jane alone, her arms folded against her chest.

After a few moments, the unlocked door clicks open and reveals a very tense Dirk.

JANE: Dirk! What happened???  
DIRK: Don't wanna talk about it.

She grabs his arm, pushing him to sit on the couch.

JANE: Well that's ok, but I won't make fun of you or anything, you know?  
DIRK: …  
DIRK: Dave fired me.  
JANE: What?!  
DIRK: Yeah. Jake apparently doesn't want to work with me anymore. Dickhead.  
JANE: Well that's no reason to fire you! Did you even get a chance to actually do anything?  
DIRK: No.  
JANE: I have half a mind to go down there and-  
DIRK: Please don't.  
DIRK: Dave and I are going to talk tonight or tomorrow or whenever. Going to watch a movie.  
JANE: Well I won't go smack some sense into him if you don't want me to but…  
JANE: URGH that makes me so flipping mad!!!  
JANE: What is WRONG with Jake lately!!!  
DIRK: Good question.  
JANE: ...Are you SURE I can't-  
DIRK: Jane, I am not above begging you to not meddle with my life.  
JANE: Fine. But I'm not happy about it.  
DIRK: Fair enough.  
JANE: What are you going to do now?  
DIRK: Now?  
JANE: Well you can't stay around in that filthy workshop all day! You should go find another job.  
DIRK: I really think I'm done; everything's been moving pretty fast today.  
JANE: Nonsense! We'll just take a quick look through the classifieds! How about that?

Jane digs around the couch until she produces her Tiaratop™, which has been (probably) free of mind control for almost 8 years! Thank goodness for the new and improved Crockercorp, and their love of tradition and classic design.

Jane pulls up a job search site.

DIRK: I guess.  
JANE: Now, what would you consider yourself good at?  
DIRK: Sword fighting, robot building, psychoanalysis, rapping, puppets.  
JANE: Um...what about puppets?  
DIRK: Just puppets.  
JANE: Like, are you a ventriloquist? Or do you make them? Or something else?  
DIRK: Yes.  
JANE: Right. Puppets.  
DIRK: I am also very stealthy.  
JANE: …  
DIRK: What?  
DIRK: Are the results good?  
JANE: Hmmmmmmmm!  
JANE: Maybe we should do something else now!  
DIRK: That bad, huh.  
JANE: These are certainly not results for someone who wants to be redeemed, that's for sure!  
DIRK: Great. I don't even want to be redeemed; I want to make kickass special effects rigs and animatronics for my favorite director of all time who also happens to be my brother and my son.  
DIRK: But fuck me, I guess.

Jane clasps her hands together.

JANE: Well no matter! I thought about something while you were gone.  
DIRK: Oh?  
JANE: Yes! I was wondering if maybe you would want to go to therapy?  
DIRK: Jane.  
DIRK: What the fuck.  
JANE: It's a genuine question!  
DIRK: Please explain to me why I, a perfectly sane and reasonable person, should go see a therapist.  
JANE: Well, a therapist can help you understand yourself and help you become a better person!  
DIRK: Jane.  
JANE: They're practically redemption experts!  
DIRK: Ok, first of all, I know there was a weird lesbian cat girl who told you this exact phrasing earlier.  
JANE: What???  
DIRK: Second of all, you're being hella rude here bro. So fuckin' rude.  
DIRK: You think I don't know myself? I know myself perfectly. I know myself more than anyone would ever want to know themselves.  
DIRK: It's not my fault you feel like a villain and are projecting it on to me.  
JANE: Hey!  
DIRK: I'm going home. This club fucking sucks.  
JANE: Strider!  
DIRK: See you around Jane.

Before she can react, Dirk has flash stepped out the door, leaving his friend in empty silence once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Looking for beta readers for this fic. If you're interested, drop me a line @phd_in_nakk on Twitter, or in the Dabethan Discord:
> 
> https://discord.gg/xvd7s7Y


	2. Acknowledging That There is a Problem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave discovers what Dirk was doing during the Election Night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers and Content Warnings:
> 
> Suicidal intent (mentioned and continued from _Election Night_ , along with mention of Candy Dirk), Bro Strider and past child abuse (mentioned), being made to attend therapy by your family, Crocodiles (just one), alcoholism (mentioned, somewhat described), casual ableism, past Dirk/Jake, brief mention of sexual content, slutshaming, kidnapping mention (Meat Rose), bad therapy practices (Jasprose), Crocker Corp. mind control (mentioned), Jane's xenophobia, inappropriately sexual comments
> 
> Also Rose is in this untagged (minor role).
> 
> Views reflected by these characters do not reflect views by the author of this fic.

It took two days for a movie marathon to commence. Dave arrived at Dirk's shitty workshop early in the morning, intending to spend most of the day fucking around.

This does not actually come into play.

DAVE: oh man this is gonna be sick  
DAVE: which one of my incredible masterpieces are we watching today  
DIRK: I don't know; why don't you pick one?  
DIRK: I'm going to make some Hot Pockets, holler if you get lost in the sauce or some shit.  
DAVE: yeah yeah yeah whatever bro

Dirk has two levels to his workshop: a main area, where he works, and a basement, where he actually lives. Supposedly.

Dirk mostly spends time in the main area.

Dave walks around the surprisingly neat stack of papers hazardously placed with a bunch of loose cables near the futon. They're turned face side down, so he can't read whatever secrets Dirk is apparently keeping. Haha, weirdo. He makes his way towards the movie selection screen by the back wall TV projector.

DAVE: pickin a movie pickin a movie man so many fuckin movies  
DAVE: dirk man you gotta clean up more in here like im not exactly surprised but jesus fuckin  
DAVE: hmmmm

There is a smaller cabinet next to the selection screen. Dave is moderately aware of Dirk's love of old Earth mediums from the 21st and 20th century, such as VHS, Cassette, and DVD. In fact, there is an old school television with a VHS and DVD & Blu-ray player, which means Dirk may have some very interesting relics to try out.

DAVE: shit  
DAVE: does he has the blues clues birthday vhs  
DAVE: shit shit shit  
DAVE: dirk dont fail me now

Dave opens the cabinet next to the selection screen.

Inside is a collection of movies Dave hadn't seen in over ten years, and a rather large collection of pictures and articles centered on someone he tries not to think about.

DAVE:

Footsteps inaudible to anyone but a Strider begin to lazily approach the room from the stairs.

Dave begins to yell.

DAVE: _dirk_  
DIRK: What?  
DAVE: **_dirk_**  
DIRK: Damn, what?  
DAVE: what the fuck is this a **_shrine_**  
DIRK: Oh, Jesus fuck.  
DIRK: Hey, Bro. My fave dude. Future best man to my future wedding to some poor bastard who doesn't know what's coming to him.  
DAVE: why the fuck do you have a shrine for my bro  
DIRK: Ok, well, he's not just your Bro dude. He's also me. And I was kind of hot and accomplished and ran a puppet porn empire which, not gonna lie dude, is sort of a dream job.  
DIRK: But, I also understand that, for the sake of humanity, I can never actually run a puppet porn site on Earth C, so I-  
DAVE: god no shut up jesus fucking christ  
DIRK: Dave, there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for thi-  
DAVE: he abused me dirk  
DIRK: That's true, but-  
DAVE: that was literally the very first thing i told you dirk what the fuck dirk  
DIRK: Dave-  
DAVE: the very first thing  
DAVE: i was like oh man hi dirk strider just so you know im emotionally vulnerable due to how older you went and nearly beat me to death every day for 13 years  
DAVE: and here you go  
DIRK: Dave!  
DAVE: idolizing his gross ass  
DIRK: Hey! He...had good fashion sense.

Dave turned around to stare at his brother, his mouth gaping for a moment, before he charged towards him with his finger outstretched and ready to jab. However, no jabbing commenced, as he immediately tripped over a jumble of cables and knocked over the stack of papers.

DIRK: It's...ironic?  
DAVE: fuck  
DIRK: Ugh, dude it's cool.  
DIRK: Look, let's just eat a hot pocket or two and calm down, ok?  
DAVE: yeah fuck ok shit  
DAVE: shit yeah youre right im overreacting lets talk this out lets  
DAVE: hey  
DAVE: what exactly is this

Dave pulls up a piece of paper that Dirk instantly recognizes and feels his stomach turn.

DIRK: Hm. Good question.  
DAVE: ok  
DAVE: because this looks like a suicide note  
DIRK: Yep. Sure does.  
DAVE: yeah huh dirk  
DAVE: it looks like you have a stack of suicide note drafts lying on the floor of your tv room  
DIRK: …  
DAVE: hey uh  
DAVE: i think i am going to call rose now  
DIRK: Please don't call Roxy.  
DAVE: what  
DIRK: Don't call Roxy. Please.  
DAVE: ...fine but im calling rose  
DIRK: Yeah. I understand.

  


GG: Dirk, I'm sorry about the other day. I wouldn't say I was projecting exactly, but I shouldn't have been so rude to you.  
GG: Will you be joining me today?  
GG: Maybe we should talk about it in person.  
TT: Right. The answer is no.  
GG: Oh.  
TT: Not your fault. Rose and Dave are making me attend therapy after all.  
GG: Oh! What happened?  
TT: I'll explain later. It's a whole fucking thing.  
GG: Well I hope it goes well.  
TT: Thanks. I should go.  
GG: Of course.  
GG: Call me when you're done!

The therapist's office is professional and severe, with dark colors and dark wooden furniture. Brightly lit with soft yellow lighting, of course.

It's overall an extremely stuffy and serious environment, which is horribly ironic because Rose is currently talking to a Crocodile.

ROSE: Thank you for meeting us on such short notice.  
THERAPIST: of course nakk  
DIRK: Mmn.  
ROSE: If it isn't too much trouble, I would like to have Dave and I explain why we have asked Dirk to meet with you.  
THERAPIST: is that ok dirk  
DIRK: What? Yeah, whatever.  
THERAPIST: alright nakk nakk  
THERAPIST: you may both start but probably one at a time otherwise it will sound kind of silly  
THERAPIST: i learned about that in brain school  
DIRK: Oh my god.  
DAVE: i found a fucking suicide note  
DIRK: I wasn't going to actually kill myself.  
THERAPIST: dirk we are talking one at a time to avoid silliness  
THERAPIST: nakk nakk nak nak nakk  
DIRK: ...  
DAVE: i found several revised drafts of a suicide note that frequently ended in the last few lines of the chorus to never gonna give you up by rick astley may he rest in peace  
DAVE: like thats not even getting into the bro shrine which is already fucked up  
DAVE: like god  
THERAPIST: do you have any questions dirk nak  
DIRK: No. Sorry for disappointing you, honestly.  
DAVE: im not  
DAVE: im not disappointed im scared  
DIRK: …  
DAVE: you joke about it all the time like i should have fucking known  
DAVE: _i_ joke about it all the time christ  
THERAPIST: rose  
ROSE: I too am dismayed to learn this, Dirk. And like Dave, I am not disappointed, just worried. I have been having many visions about the circumstances of our timeline, but your own actions and thoughts have been oddly obscured.  
ROSE: It makes me concerned.  
DIRK: Well, I'm really fucking sorry that you can't read my damn mind, Rose.  
ROSE: It has certainly been an oversight on your part.  
ROSE: I do not expect you to tell me what's going on with yourself, but I hope that you do talk to the doctor. Because we are worried about you.  
DIRK: …  
DIRK: Could you guys leave us alone, now?  
DIRK: I want to get this over with.  
DAVE: uh  
ROSE: Of course.

Rose elegantly rises from her chair, takes her brother's arm, and drags him out of the office. He just stares at Dirk, an extremely worried expression even with his shades.

DIRK: Fucking Hell.  
DIRK: …  
THERAPIST: hello  
THERAPIST: (nakk nakk nak)  
DIRK: Hi.

The Crocodile just continues to sit across from him, his expression the same as all Crocodiles have.

DIRK: Are we going to actually say anything, or can I leave?  
THERAPIST: oh you go first nak  
THERAPIST: but you can leave too  
DIRK: Wait, really?  
THERAPIST: yeppers  
THERAPIST: i hope you dont though because ms lalonde asked us to nak nakk  
DIRK: ...Right.  
THERAPIST: so do you want to talk  
THERAPIST: nak nak i can talk first if it helps nakk  
DIRK: No, fuck. I'll talk.  
DIRK: So, my name is Dirk Strider.  
DIRK: … And I am an alcoholic.  
DIRK: Kidding. I am probably the only person in my family who hasn't been drunk.  
THERAPIST: why is that  
DIRK: Ok no, see, you're gonna try and get me to say something about how I have deep seated trauma from watching alcoholism consume my best friend and my daughter and my ex, but the actual fucking truth?  
DIRK: It tastes bad and everyone looks like an idiot while drinking it.  
THERAPIST: okay  
DIRK: What?  
DIRK: That's it?  
THERAPIST: you dont have to drink alcohol nakk nakk or even discuss it if you dont want to  
DIRK: I know that.  
DIRK: This is about me.  
THERAPIST: it is indeed about you!!  
DIRK: It's about me and fuck it. We keep pussy footing.  
THERAPIST: i dont know what that means nak  
DIRK: We're going to get down to fucking business, ok? We're going to get to the heavy hitting emotional crap I'm too afraid to tell anyone, and you can tell me I'm fucked up and prescribe me pills and send me on my way.  
THERAPIST: Im not going to do anything yet but please dont stress yourself  
DIRK: I can hear the narrative.  
THERAPIST: the what  
DIRK: The narrative. There is someone narrating our lives and I can hear it. I think, potentially, I could also influence or even control it, but for some reason I can't currently.  
THERAPIST: nakk  
DIRK: I know you're going to write that off as crazy-  
THERAPIST: i mean sure that could be considered crazy  
THERAPIST: but youre also a god from another world so im pretty sure that is within the realm of possibility  
DIRK: Oh.  
DIRK: Yeah. I guess it is.  
THERAPIST: nakk nak do you want to control the narrative dirk  
DIRK: I don't know.  
DIRK: It's kind of scary, in a way. Like I'd have so much power. But do I want that?  
THERAPIST: do you  
DIRK: ...No.  
DIRK: I don't. With great power comes great corruption, and I'm corrupt enough.  
THERAPIST: why do you think youre corrupt :0  
DIRK: I've always been corrupt. I've always wanted power over my friends especially, and I have weird fetishes and I…  
DIRK: I've never really felt... Deserving?  
THERAPIST: of what  
DIRK: ...Everything.  
DIRK: I got Jake through dirty means, Roxy liked me because we were the only humans on Earth. Dave is an infinitely better person, honestly. I beat the crap out of him in another universe.  
DIRK: And I even think that guy I was was cool. Just a little bit.  
DIRK: I'm really fucked up. Fucked up people don't…  
DIRK: I shouldn't be a hero.  
THERAPIST: you don't have to be a hero nak nak nak  
THERAPIST: you just have to be a person  
DIRK: ...  
THERAPIST: the guy you were in the other universe  
THERAPIST: why do you like him nakk  
DIRK: He's just sort of me? But a little bit cooler? I guess…  
DIRK: It's hard to explain. He grew up...in different circumstances. He was being possessed by an evil puppet, we think? But he also grew up around people. He probably had friends, a boyfriend, something.  
DIRK: He had fans. He shouldn't have, but he did.  
DIRK: I'm not very popular on Earth C. I was Jake's heel on TV.  
THERAPIST: nak yes i remember  
THERAPIST: do you want to be more popular  
DIRK: No? I mean. Yes? No.  
DIRK: Fuck, I have no idea.  
DIRK: Are you accusing me of being jealous of my alternate self?  
THERAPIST: i dont accuse people  
THERAPIST: do you consider yourself jealous of your alternate self for being well liked  
DIRK: You are a sneaky bastard.  
DIRK: ...Maybe.  
THERAPIST: its something to consider nakk nak  
THERAPIST: tell me about dave and rose  
DIRK: Uhhhhh.  
THERAPIST: i wont tell them what you think of them  
DIRK: Fuck. Um, I love them.  
THERAPIST: how so nak  
DIRK: Eurgh no. No, I'm done talking about them. Can we talk about my ex? Or Jane and Roxy?  
THERAPIST: sure  
THERAPIST: tell me about your friends  
DIRK: Ok, I do feel comfortable saying I love them, because I've known them for over a decade and they- ok, maybe not Jake, but Jane and Roxy love me.  
THERAPIST: you dont think jake loves you  
DIRK: I don't know why he would.  
THERAPIST: do you love him platonically nak or romantically  
DIRK: …  
DIRK: That's a complicated question.  
THERAPIST: you dont have to answer  
DIRK: I love him platonically. I think...if anyone hurt Jake I would...want to hurt them. For hurting him.  
DIRK: But I don't think I'm in love with him.  
DIRK: He...hurt me. I know I hurt him, I know that for sure. But he also hurt me. A lot.  
DIRK: It's hard to be very close to him.  
THERAPIST: im sorry to hear that :(  
DIRK: But I  
DIRK: I can't. Let go.  
THERAPIST: ...  
THERAPIST: nakk nak nakk  
DIRK: I think about it all the time, like what if I had left him alone? What if we didn't move in together when we got here? We moved in together almost immediately, we were like "we're going to make this work," and instead we argued nonstop and he told me I'm too much.  
DIRK: That I'm uncompromising, I'm obsessive, I'm clingy, and I'm bad at blowjobs.  
DIRK: I know I'm good at blowjobs.  
DIRK: I'm really really good at blowjobs!  
THERAPIST: nakk?  
DIRK: He left for his stupid fucking mansion and made his stupid fucking business.  
DIRK: And I think about it every day. Because I _am_ uncompromising, obsessive, and clingy.  
THERAPIST: it sounds like you just needed space  
THERAPIST: do you miss him nak  
DIRK: Yes. I do.  
DIRK: The show was okay, I got to homoerotically wrestle him, and we'd talk. But we didn't hang out outside the show.  
DIRK: He was always busy. Always said he'd make time to "catch up with old chums," and then show up to work with his own pair of shades and a water bottle full of vodka from the night before.  
DIRK: I missed him so much, and I was an afterthought.  
DIRK: I've been an afterthought for years, Doc.  
DIRK: Years.  
THERAPIST: he showed up hungover to work  
DIRK: Of course he fucking did. He's always partying. Parading himself around like "Ye Olde Town Slut."  
DIRK: Embarrassing.  
THERAPIST: You consider Jake a slut nakknak  
DIRK: I don't want to say more about Jake.  
THERAPIST: tell me about jane and roxy  
THERAPIST: you helped jane during her presidency  
DIRK: Yeah.  
DIRK: Jane...is one of the few people who seems to actually care about me right now. Besides Dave and Rose.  
THERAPIST: so you feel supported with jane  
DIRK: Hell yes. I am pretty fucking confident she'd drop everything if she found out I was in trouble with the mafia or some shit. She'd walk right in and decimate everyone's ass.  
DIRK: I wish I had done more for her during her run, but she seems to have preferred it this way.  
THERAPIST: do you prefer it this way nakk  
DIRK: I don't know. I have this thing, where I splinter myself.  
THERAPIST: yes i know this part  
THERAPIST: with your ai friend naknak who turned into a sweaty troll sprite and then lord english  
DIRK: Yeah. There's more, but yes he was one of them.  
DIRK: But I can also see my splinters lives, like in a similar way of seeing the narrative. I've tried like, concentrating really hard and seeing if I can switch with them? Somehow? But I don't seem to be able to.  
THERAPIST: interesting  
DIRK: But I can see what other versions of me are doing, and it looks like there are a few versions of the...election.  
DIRK: Some seem more legitimate than others. I'm not sure how legitimate ours was.  
DIRK: But I do know that in one of them I kill myself to keep myself from becoming a villain, and Jane takes my place.  
DIRK: In another version I live, but I become the villain.  
THERAPIST: so the notes were because you were trying to keep yourself from being the villain  
DIRK: Yes! Exactly.  
THERAPIST: did you think jane wouldnt become the villain in your place naknak  
DIRK: No. The circumstances are different, she wouldn't be able to buy out June now she's president.  
THERAPIST: do you think youll become the villain in this one with you currently alive  
THERAPIST: jot accusing you i am asking for your opinion nakk  
DIRK: I don't know. Like I said, the circumstances are different.  
THERAPIST: how so  
DIRK: Well, in the one where I died, I had Jane cancel her campaign, and then I died. Supposedly she goes nuts with power, but I never really got very far. I just know she goes nuts with power.  
DIRK: The splinter in that timeline is faint.  
DIRK: In the timeline I'm alive, Jane wins. And I'm more powerful.  
THERAPIST: and these are different from this one  
DIRK: Yeah. We have Terezi and Vriska out of the Furthest Ring, June ran against Jane and Karkat, June didn't make any…  
DIRK: …  
DIRK: June didn't make any picnic choices.  
THERAPIST: what picnakk choices  
DIRK: Is this a doomed timeline? A really stupid doomed timeline where everyone calls me Theodoric Chad?  
THERAPIST: what?  
DIRK: Are we going to all be absorbed into Paradox Space after we all gruesomely die? Should I be working to fix that? Oh my god, what the fuck?  
THERAPIST: dirk  
DIRK: Oh my god, what do I do??  
THERAPIST: dirk  
DIRK: How do I- I gotta fix this, holy shit.  
THERAPIST: dirk you should nakk talk to rose  
DIRK: What?  
THERAPIST: talk to rose  
THERAPIST: shes the seer of light she will be able to help you learn your future and if you are on the right track nakk nak  
DIRK: ...Right.  
DIRK: No.  
THERAPIST: why not  
DIRK: I can't talk to Rose. I can't be alone with her; I kidnapped her in. In the Meat one.  
THERAPIST: you dont have to talk to her alone nakk  
THERAPIST: you should talk to someone  
DIRK: I'm already talking to Rose.  
DIRK: And, in case you for-fucking-got, you.  
THERAPIST: dirk the more you talk to your friends the more they can help you find out whats going on and how to cope with it  
DIRK: But what if…  
THERAPIST: …  
THERAPIST: (nak)  
DIRK: What if they leave me.  
THERAPIST: do you think they will  
DIRK: No.  
DIRK: But they probably should.  
THERAPIST: lets not nakk talk like that  
THERAPIST: how about you talk to rose with kanaya there and then you can bring along your emotional support  
DIRK: What emotional support. Dave??  
THERAPIST: jane  
DIRK: Are you calling Jane my Emotional Support Friend.  
THERAPIST: no but we can now if youd like nakknakknak  
DIRK: It's honestly ironic sounding enough I think I can work with it.  
THERAPIST: so you should talk to your emotional support friend and tell her you need some emotional supporting nak to talk to rose and kanaya about something very important and nakk then you tell them about your narrative observation and your alternate lives  
THERAPIST: then ask them what to do moving forward nakknak  
THERAPIST: does that sound reasonable  
DIRK: ...Yes.  
DIRK: Except I don't really want to.  
THERAPIST: rose asked me to help you get better  
THERAPIST: part of that is doing things that are difficult but will help  
DIRK: Right.  
THERAPIST: nak talk to jane first  
DIRK: ...Right.  
THERAPIST: when are you free next  
THERAPIST: i was hoping to schedule our appointments on mondays and fridays nakk  
DIRK: Oh. Uh-

  


JASPROSESPRITE^2: This is not therapy, Jane! 3:<

Jasprose is a hard dame to track down, but Jane is nothing if not the gutsiest gumshoe out there. First, she tried to tail her from Roxy's house. Then, she walked into the seediest joint in New Alternia and asked around. Finally, she looked her up in the phone book.

Right there, under J, was Jasprosesprite^2. Jane's Personal Assistant seemed to think this was a rather new development.

Jasprose resides in a Carapacian style apartment in the Carapace kingdom, near where Roxy and Calliope live. Jane sits in her sitting room, which is bizarrely covered in Windows, her feet daintily crossed at the ankles, her suit low cut and nicely pressed to appear as professional and attractive as she can. A girl's got to play up her strengths.

JASPROSESPRITE^2: And if it was, then this would _definitely_ be malpractice!!! !  
JANE: It's not malpractice if we're not doing anything.  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: But it is if I'm trying to seduce you.  
JANE: So don't seduce me!  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Well obviously I'll have to try not to if you're going to keep coming to me for advice.  
JANE: Right. That's exactly what this is! Advice.  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Yep.  
JANE: Advice from a party that doesn't dislike me, and isn't a deranged member of our population.  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Yeah. So, you wanna talk about that?  
JANE: About what?  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: About who you consider deranged members of our population???  
JANE: Oh. I'd rather not.  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Well I suggest, if you want some life advice, life coaching, ect, that we go straight to a hard hitting issue and dig into it.  
JANE: No! I mean…  
JANE: Ugh. Fine.  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Cool. So Trolls: what's up with Trolls?  
JANE: They are a bit suspicious.  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: How so? :3c  
JANE: Well, they are much stronger than Humans on average, for one. For another, they have dangerous psionics and go into murderous rampages at times!  
JANE: They are notoriously racist in their own Troll way, and they routinely murdered children!  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: But the Earth C Trolls don't do that.  
JANE: No...but they might later. I mean, there aren't a whole lot of them just yet, are there!  
JANE: People throughout history have the misguided obsession with romanticizing what they read. For example: The Sufferer!  
JANE: They literally named that poor man Sufferer! He did so many other things, but he is remembered for suffering, and they made his iconography his own shackles.  
JANE: Who knows what some lunatic may do with The Condence.  
JANE: Meenah herself seemed to have grown up in a decent society-  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Decent society?!  
JANE: and she idolized The Condence. This isn't even getting into the clowns!  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: But you don't think they've changed at all? Karkat wanted to encourage them to grow with good non-murdery morals!  
JANE: But they're going to outnumber us!  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: You don't know that!!  
JANE: They MAY outnumber us! The average human wouldn't be any sort of match against even a warm blooded Troll.  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Hm.  
JANE: What?  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: I'm thinking. Why are you so concerned about this in the first place????  
JANE: Because my great grandmother was an evil Troll dictator who ruined her own planet and then moved to ours and killed us horrifically!!  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: And you were on board with her at the time.  
JANE: I was brainwashed.  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: No, before that. You were Crocker Corporation's biggest fangirl.  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Janey-waney, do you perhaps feel guilty for not believing your friends?  
JANE: I.  
JANE: Of course not, I'm hardly to be blamed for the indoctrination I received as a child!  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Who indoctrinated you?  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: You didn't know your great grandmother. You only had one adult presence in your life, who also loved Crocker Corp, and bought you all it's products.  
JANE: I-  
JANE: How dare you.  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: I'm just saying. A lot of problems start with the father.  
JANE: You- no!  
JANE: You are JUST like Rose!  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Huh??  
JANE: You are just as scheming,and cruel, and clinical, and- and OUT TO GET ME!  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Wow. That's not even remotely true for either of us!!  
JANE: This session is DONE! I will be leaving and you will no longer contact me!  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Holy fuck, Jane.  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: You tracked down my house and told me you wanted to talk, this isn't a session, and you've only been here for ten minutes!  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: I didn't expect you to be such a goddamn kitten about all this. And I don't mean the sexual kind.  
JANE: That is SO unprofessional! WHAT IS YOUR DAMAGE!!!  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: This isn't supposed to be professional and I'm one third cat!!! 3:<  
JANE: Well I am going to leave and talk to someone who actually gives a shit about helping my redemption!  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: I do give a shit about your redemption!  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: You're just hell fucking bent on denying anything about your issues!  
JANE: Stop psychoanalysing me!!!  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: I can't help it you make it too fucking easy!!!!  
JANE: Well- well good day to you, MA'AM!!!

Jane walks out in a huff, and keeps going until she's exited the entire fucking complex. She's muttering and stomping (much more satisfying than flying) down the street, as Carapacians hastily shift out of her way, when her phone rings. She answers it with a snap to her voice.

JANE: WHAT!  
DIRK: Jesus Christ, Jane.  
JANE: I'm sorry! But I was just having a very frustrating conversation with Jasprose!

She takes a deep breath and pauses her steps to close her eyes.

JANE: I shouldn't take it out on you though. I'm sorry.  
DIRK: It's ok. We can talk about it later, if you want?  
JANE: Please.  
DIRK: Cool. In the meantime, I have a. Favor? I need to ask of you.  
JANE: Oh??  
DIRK: Can you meet me at Rose and Kanaya's? I already asked and they said I can bring you. I think Dave may also be there, and he'll probably bring Karkat. Which is shit, since that guy already thinks I'm a freak.  
JANE: Well...can you tell me what's going on?  
JANE: Dirk are you ok?  
DIRK: Yeah. No. I'll tell you when we get there? Ugh.  
DIRK: This sounds like shit but I need you there for emotional support.  
JANE: Oh Dirk, of course!  
JANE: Whatever you need to tell them, I'll be there for you.  
DIRK: Really?  
JANE: Yes!  
DIRK: Damn, ok.  
DIRK: Be there ASAP, I'll see you in a minute.  
JANE: Yes sir, Mister Strider!  
JANE: Bye bye!  
DIRK: Bye, Crocker.


	3. The Homestuck Epilogues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk and Jane gather with most of Dirk's family to discuss The Narrative, and how it affects Canon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers and Content Warnings:
> 
> Suicidal tendencies (mentioned), Candy Dirk (briefly discussed), nihilism, Meat Dirk (mentioned), Candy Jane (mentioned), decapitation (joked about by Dirk).
> 
> Untagged chars with minor roles: Rose, Kanaya, Karkat.

Rose and Kanaya's house is immensely uncomfortable. It is, essentially, a giant therapist's office, but more goth. It's bizarrely clean, and oddly dark, and neither Dirk or Jane like it.

Kanaya, Rose, and Karkat are all sitting on the main leather sofa, while Jane sits in one of the rich dark green chairs, and Dave leans against a wall. Dirk is standing in the center, in front of the fireplace. He greatly resists the urge to fidget, and makes sure his face is facing the room at large so his sunglasses don't betray how he's looking almost exclusively at Jane.

If it was just Jane it would probably be easier to explain.

DIRK: Hey everyone. Dave and Rose made me go to therapy today.  
KARKAT: ABOUT FUCKING TIME.  
DIRK: Dude, this is actually important and I need to talk right now without interruption.

He tilts his head towards Dave.

DIRK: _No interruption._  
DAVE: got it

He inhales deeply through his nose and has his fingers form a triangle in front of his torso.

DIRK: Ok, so. My powers have advanced.

The room stays quiet, though Jane looks moderately surprised. He continues.

DIRK: I'm able to hear and see our narration, as if we're in a book, or a comic. I'm also able to view bits and pieces of my splinters and alternate selves lives. That's how I know this.  
DIRK: There were apparently two timelines for Earth C. How each one progressed was decided by June picking whether she should stay on the planet, or go fight Lord English in the final battle.  
DIRK: Except we aren't in either of those timelines. 

He turns towards Rose.

DIRK: Were you aware of any timeline bullshit shenanigans?  
ROSE: Yes.  
DAVE: yeah  
KARKAT: YEP.  
KANAYA: Yes  
JANE: No???  
DIRK: Wait, what? How the fuck would you all know this???  
DAVE: well aradia keeps casually implying that were in an alternate timeline but shes being cagey as fuck about what that means  
DAVE: driving me up a wall like are we in a doomed timeline what the fuck  
KARKAT: WAIT, DOOMED??? YOU NEVER MENTIONED THAT.  
ROSE: We are not in a doomed timeline.  
KARKAT: OH, THANK FUCK.  
ROSE: You see, those timelines are dubiously canon. That's different from this one, which isn't canon at all.  
DIRK: This timeline isn't canon.  
ROSE: Yep.  
DIRK: Canon is literally what determines our significance in life. It is a solidification of reality. Which means that what you are telling me here, is that we're just useless pieces of shit who exist for no reason.  
ROSE: Essentially, yes.  
JANE: What???  
KARKAT: LITERALLY WHAT THE FUCK IS CANON.  
ROSE: I assume we could go back and fight Lord English, but that would be rather detrimental, as we would just disrupt the more canon occurrences of events and potentially destroy their canon as well.  
DAVE: hold up what the fuck are you talking about  
DAVE: are we doomed or not like i dont feel doomed but also i dont really know what the fuck is going on anymore if im honest it must be my old ass age of twenty three making me lose track of my fucking glasses on my face  
ROSE: We are not in a doomed timeline. Such timelines exist in the game to prioritize a single event that leads to the threshold we have already crossed.  
ROSE: Since we have crossed it, there is no need to doom us all.  
ROSE: But really, you can't be too surprised. You didn't really think there were only two timelines in Paradox Space, did you?  
DAVE: i didnt know there were other fucking timelines at all and im the local fucking god of fucking time  
KARKAT: CAN ONE OF YOU DIPFUCKS PLEASE EXPLAIN CANON NOW OR AM I DESTINED TO SIT HERE AND LISTEN TO NONSENSE SPEWED BY POMPOUS ASSHOLES I AM SUPPOSEDLY RELATED TO BY SOCIAL CONVENTION.  
KANAYA: Canon Is Truth  
KANAYA: Its Dictated By How Important Something Is To The Plot Such As Its Essentiality Or Relevance Of Characters Actions Or Events  
KANAYA: For Us That Was Creating Earth C  
KANAYA: Now That We Have Done That Our Actions And Events Are Irrelevant And Unessential To The Plot  
KANAYA: Since We Have Concluded The Goal  
KANAYA: Now What We Do Is No Longer The Truth  
DIRK: Life is meaningless.  
DIRK: You sent me to therapy for suicidal tendencies and the therapist tells me to talk to you about my fears, only for you to tell me life is meaningless and anything I do now has no merit.  
DIRK: This is the most ironic thing that has ever happened to me.  
DIRK: I've never felt so fucking numb.  
DIRK: What's the meaning of life? Nothing.  
DIRK: I can't even go into Paradox Space and form a new game of Sburb because some other asshole is out there doing it. I've been out canoned by a Dirk in shitty Kamina cosplay.  
DAVE: wait is _that_ who the other aradia is chasing jesus christ im glad im not involved in that  
JANE: May…  
JANE: May I ask what happened in the other two timelines?  
ROSE: I actually have it written down.  
ROSE: I will retrieve the manuscript from my quarters. It contains almost everything that is worth knowing about the other timelines.  
JANE: Thank you.  
DIRK: Wait!  
DIRK: Uh, I want to talk to you before you read it. Jane.  
JANE: Oh, alright.  
KARKAT: SHOULD WE TELL THE OTHERS ABOUT THIS? LIKE JUNE, OUR FUCKING PRESIDENT?  
KANAYA: We Have Already Told June  
KANAYA: We Told June Vriska And Terezi When We Met Them For Lunch On Her Inauguration Day  
KARKAT: WHAT, SO WE'VE BEEN FUCKING AROUND WHILE JUNE AND THE SCROUGE SISTERS HAVE JUST CASUALLY KNOWN EVERYTHING WE DO IS BULLSHIT???  
ROSE: I don't believe everything we do is bullshit.  
ROSE: It just has nothing to do with canon.  
ROSE: For instance, I am actually quite happy. In the dubiously canon timelines, I am either an invalid who is transferred into a robot body and sent on an insane mission in space, or I am fighting a nuclear war in hopes of keeping my wife and daughter from being victims to fascism.  
ROSE: In this timeline I am healthy and able to pursue silly pastimes, such as setting up a fake courtroom and representing my brother who is trying to convince everyone his name is Dabethan so that his boyfriend will have to buy their best friend lunch.  
ROSE: That said, I do miss my daughter. It is a very peculiar feeling, as I have never met her, and have only experienced the briefest of glances.  
DAVE: shit what daughter what  
KANAYA: She Is The Genetic Clone Of Vriska And She Is Called Vrissy  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK.  
DAVE: this is a lot to process  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK???  
KANAYA: The Point Is  
KANAYA: What We Do With Ourselves Is Fine  
KANAYA: It Just Doesnt Cosmically Contribute To An Overarching Goal  
JANE: But we are going to be ok? Nothing about our circumstance implies that we will have a terrible fate of some kind?  
ROSE: Yes.  
JANE: Wow.  
DIRK: Well folks, that was very illuminating. And now I am going to leave.  
JANE: Oh, will you stay at my house tonight?  
DIRK: Oh right. Yeah, I guess.  
JANE: Oh thank goodness.  
DAVE: wait  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: is there anything else you want to share  
DAVE: about therapy  
DIRK: No.  
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: i mean yeah ok its a privacy thing i get it  
DAVE: just was wondering you know if youre ok or if you need someone to talk to about it  
DIRK: I'm fine.  
DAVE: ok cool  
DAVE: well bye then i guess  
ROSE: Goodnight, Dirk. I assume you will be maintaining your appointments with Dr. Boobert?  
DIRK: What?  
ROSE: Your therapist. His name is Dr. Nakkomillion Boobert.  
DIRK: What the fuck. Yeah. I'm seeing him on Friday.  
ROSE: Excellent. We will discuss things at a later date then.  
KANAYA: Good Evening Dirk  
DIRK: ...Bye.

No one says their goodbyes to Jane.

  


The walk to Jane's house is silent. Her father appears to have gone to bed, which makes sense since he is the sort of man to stick to an early routine. Dirk sits in Jane's computer chair while she lays sprawled on her bed.

DIRK: So.  
JANE: So.  
DIRK: I don't think you should read Rose's manuscript.  
JANE: Why.  
DIRK: So there are two timelines, right?  
JANE: Yes. Besides ours.  
DIRK: Besides ours.  
DIRK: In one timeline I am evil. At least I am the antagonist to our friends. Especially June and Jake. Not as much Dave and Karkat. Or you.  
JANE: I am sorry to hear that.  
JANE: Dirk, you know I love you, right? And even if in another universe you have done cruel things, I wouldn't change my mind about that.  
DIRK: Right, well.  
DIRK: The thing is, in the second timeline I die.  
JANE: You...die.  
DIRK: I kill myself.

The look she gives him now twists deep into his heart. He is suddenly full of regrets for actions he has not actually committed, though he has come close to it at times.

JANE: Oh.  
DIRK: It's just that, you know. I thought I'd become a villain if I continued much longer. But in some fucked up way I think that contributed to the other Dirk being more powerful? I don't know.  
DIRK: I'm not there.  
JANE: Right.  
DIRK: Here's uh. Where it gets fucked up though.  
JANE: More fucked up than that, apparently?  
DIRK: Yeah.  
DIRK: When I die, you become the villain.  
JANE: …  
DIRK: You kinda. Go mad with power.  
DIRK: That's all I know, besides that it's a really really sad ass timeline.  
JANE: That's it?  
DIRK: I'm dead there, bro. Can't really see what I'm doing if I'm doing jack fuck seven feet underground.  
JANE: Oh.  
JANE: That's not what I- nevermind.  
DIRK: I do get some flashes from further in, but it's weird and I can't concentrate on it. Like it isn't fully real.  
JANE: Hm.  


Jane jumps up from her bed, leaving the room. Dirk quickly changes into the pajamas that he's started to keep in his Sylladex. He listens by her bedroom door, catching the sound of a sink. After a moment it stops, and Jane emerges from the bathroom. She's also changed, it seems.

DIRK: Are you ok? Jane?  
JANE: I don't know. I think I should read it, honestly.  


Jane follows him back into her room, where they sit on the bed. Jane resumes, quietly. Almost a whisper.

JANE: You see, Rose knows, Kanaya knows. June and her girlfriends probably know. Dave and Karkat _will_ probably know. Then it's a matter of time for Jade and Jake, let alone Roxy and Calliope. If they don't already.  
JANE: Jake has been avoiding us lately.  
DIRK: Yeah.  
JANE: So...I guess I will read it. Because I should know what I'm supposed to...defend myself against?  
JANE: If I even should.  
DIRK: Jane.  
JANE: Is that why you went to therapy? Suicidal tendencies? You mentioned it before we left.  
DIRK: Um, yeah.  
DIRK: I may have written a few notes a while back. Dave found them.  
JANE: Why did you keep the notes?  
DIRK: …  
JANE: ...Right. Um. I went and saw Jasprose today.  
JANE: Or maybe you knew that?  
DIRK: I wasn't really paying attention. Kinda busy with my own scaly therapist, and honestly I'm a bit distracted by my life most of the time in general.  
DIRK: Besides, I actually try to avoid listening in on more private matters. I'm not that much of an ass.  
JANE: Oh, thank goodness. I admit I am a little relieved.  
DIRK: Sorry Crocker, gotta work a little more on your strip shows before they catch my attention.  
JANE: Hoo hoo! Shut up.  
JANE: Ummmm...you are staying the night, right?  
DIRK: Yes.  
DIRK: I mean, I don't exactly want to go home and behead myself anyway, still waiting for Dave on that one, but-  
JANE: Dirk!  
DIRK: Ugh, sorry, habit.  
DIRK: ...That I'm going to have to break, I guess.  
JANE: I would very much like you to!  
DIRK: I'll see what I can do.  


The light shuts off. They resume their usual uncomfortable bed positions (Jane should really get a bigger bed).

DIRK: Anyway: Jasprose.  
JANE: Yes. It was awful. We just fought each other, I guess.  
DIRK: Well shucks, Buster.  
JANE: I'm thinking of going back though?  
JANE: Maybe after reading the manuscript. Or maybe before. I don't know.  
DIRK: I actually think that's a good idea.  
JANE: Mm. How was...Dr. Boobert.  
DIRK: I think I hate him. But I'm going to go back.  
DIRK: For my kids.  
JANE: You shouldn't think of them that way.  
DIRK: What, as my kids? Jane, they are objectively my flesh and blood.  
JANE: Yes, but the way you go on about them they sound like you.  
DIRK: Rude. They don't deserve the comparison.  
JANE: You're the one making it!  
DIRK: Not really. They are my kids. And June and Jade are yours.  
DIRK: What's it like to have two girls? Personally, my twins are a hassle. Always having me drag them to soccer practice, forgetting their real fruit smoothies on the kitchen counter so we have to drive all the way back.  
JANE: Good crickets, that's enough. Go to sleep!  
DIRK: Mrgh.  
JANE: Goodnight. I love and appreciate you.  
DIRK: Augh. Goodnight, I love you too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My hatred of writing anything that isn't dialogue is shown very strongly, here.


End file.
